Currently we are experiencing a “polar vortex.”
Calm down, I know it sounds like a more menacing version of “The Polar Express” but it’s not. It’s not even a new flavor at Cold Stones Ice Cream Store (Fun Fact: Every time I ask my friends if they want to go to Cold Stones, I accidently call it Cold Water Creek, which, I believe is a middle aged women’s clothing store).
But the polar vortex isn't all that. It’s just a fancy way to say that everything is going to be cold for what feels like forever.
What NOT to wear during a polar vortex
Below is a list of clothing and why they're NOT appropriate to wear during the polar vortex.
Mittens: Mittens make it difficult to do anything.
It’s hard to get things out of your wallet, it’s hard to hold a pen or pencil, taking things out of your bag is suddenly a slipper chore, putting your hair up is a static-y mess, opening a door with a round doorknob is out of the question. Do you know why it’s impossible to do anything with mittens on? Because they were created for people who don’t actually have to do anything. So, children. Put the mittens away. We have five fingers for a reason and that reason is not so that we can put fabric over them and pretend we have two really big gross fingers. So mittens are out. Not just for school but for anyone over the age of twelve, at the latest.
But we're just getting started. There's other things you should avoid, even if they might seem like a good idea while you're suffering at the hands of the polar vortex or any bouts of extreme cold.
Ski Mask: Listen, they’re warm, I get it. I’ve contemplated wearing one on really windy days too, but let’s face the facts, if you’re wearing a ski mask everyone thinks you’ve either just robbed a bank and killed a happy family or are on your way to. If you don’t mind having an undercover police car follow you around and being put on the no-flying list, go for it, at least you’ll be warm.
A Strange Colored Pea Coat: You look like a crazy art teacher who’s carrying around uncooked elbow noodles and glue in their pocket just in case they’re inspired by a tree. I’m not making assumptions, I own a coat like this, I’m just writing how I feel when I wear it. Pea coats are fine to wear, just make sure you don’t feel like this when you wear yours, unless you want to feel like that I guess.
Wind Breakers: They’re a fashion statement for late spring and when you get chilly on a summer night. They also have the rare ability to have no effect when layered. Whether you have on one wind breaker or a hundred wind breakers you will feel the same.
Baseball Hats: It’s like you almost decided to do something good and then at the last minute just changed your mind. Sure it keeps a little bit of the warm on your head but it’s really not keeping it all in. If you’re going to wear a hat, get a Holden Caulfield hat. It keeps the warmth in and holds all your angst!
Hopefully this list of things helps you understand how to appropriately dress for the cold wherever you are!